A reflection 

Dear January 4th

The day before my 22nd birthday I sit back and think. I’m 22 working a job I hate and barely attending college. It’s safe to say I’m not where I thought I would be . It’s sad but I think with all these roadblocks I will become a stronger person. 

But one thing has bother me so. My personality. My self. Where has it gone? To tell the truth I don’t have friends. I have people I hang out with but it’s barely. I spend most of my nights home alone with no text messages. I’m not sought after. I don’t have anyone who actively check on me. I think it’s because I’ve distanced myself so much people think I want to be unbothered. Or is that people would rather just go on like I don’t exist. 

I have so called “friends” that I’ve known since elementary. They don’t ever text me. They don’t ever give me a conversation that’s not about “getting back” and reconnecting. Every relationship I have forged is shallow. I have no friends. No person who randomly comes over. No person who shows up to my house unannounced no person actively caring about my wellbeing. I’m starting to believe it’s my fault. Did I become a person that is too hard to be open with? Did I lose the touch of what it meant to be a friend to someone as well? I try to make these things real but time and time again I’m met with the fate of being alone on a weekend night while my social media feeds blows up of bar crawls and party scenes.

I spent more time in my room than anywhere else my 21st year. Which is sad but that whole year I got to learn about myself. And in turn it’s that I don’t listen to people enough . So I wonder. What do you guys feel about me? If you’re reading this tell me exactly why we aren’t closer. Why we aren’t friends why aren’t we communicating more. I want to understand where the issues lie because I’m a open book and I’m ready to make changes to my life. I want this year to be drastically different than the one I spent last year.

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Dear me,

I let myself become a victim 

I let my mental illness grab a hold

Turn me into a monster of a man

Friendships lost

Relationships shattered 

I needed a scapegoat 

But I played it too well

I looked to get better

But I only got worst

I had episodes, lashed out 

I drew distances that couldn’t be traveled

Created spaces that were untouchable

It’s easy to analyze someone 

But to look inside yourself is frightening

I wish I could turn things around

I lost some great friends

Even greater companions

Because I couldn’t help but push them out

Not let them understand 

Understand I needed help

Understand I wasn’t like everyone else

Understand that I appreciated them

This isn’t a cry for help

I’m getting that help now

This isn’t a look for forgiveness 

How could you forgive a monster?

I’ve come to terms with the people I’ve lost 

But maybe 

This could be a start to something new

To a healthy life 

Both mentally and physically 

I don’t need a reset button

Because past mistakes mature you

But I do need a new sheet

To begin this next story

The story which I am the author 

I take control

I want the power back 

It’s time to love myself

Lush 

When you talk 

I want to listen 

Focused on your words

Your speeches become songs

Your melody so rich

Your voice carries sweetness

Hypnotizing and interesting 

Your gaze sweeps up masses

To fall for you may be necessary 

How could one not 

How could one stop

Walk away from such perfection

Imperfect and beautiful

You couldn’t get more real

Perhaps we’ll actually connect

Until then I’ll never forget

Your gaze your melody

So tranquil so clean 

Falling on my ears 

Refreshed, serene 

Translucent 

Nothing makes you feel more lonely 

Than a day in Times Square 

Let’s be clear here 

The day was beautiful

Insightful just like you think 

There’s too many descriptions 

Poems you can find elsewhere 

Describing this beautiful 

Yet vast and mysterious city

My words could do it no justice

But as I found myself sitting 

In the heart of millions of people 

All with their own life 

All experiencing moments

You start to feel the loneliness 

It creeps in 

Ever so slowly 

Like a wave crashing the shore

With every passing face

It starts to wash over you

You find yourself 

Deep in the heart of the city 

With love booming

Yet that feeling of loneliness 

Grows bigger

Grows stronger

It consumes you

Maybe suburbia has cradled me

When I’m actually alone 

I can find solitude and comfort

In my own things my room my bed

But in this city

Filled with millions of souls

Searching for meaning 

You could be so alone

Flame

Her moves are more than elegant

Her eyes could slow rivers

Her smile could melt glaciers 

She knew no bounds 

She was on her own

She threw in the towel on love

Her heart was huge 

But the time proved rude 

It shrunk 

And shrunk 

But 

She kept those moves

Those eyes 

That smile 

I hope she will open up soon

One day our hands will meet 

And her powers will consume me

Until then

 I’ll just watch her be 

The mist

I’m blind… 

 I’ve been blind for a while

I don’t see your face

I don’t see your expressions

I don’t give a fuck about your feelings

All this anger isn’t at you

But you catch it with no consent

I’m drunk 

I’m stoned

My mind is hazy

I want your affection

But don’t want to hear you

There’s a space I’m in

A plane I’ve been abandoned 

This hazy mist of madness 

It’s tragic 

But it doesn’t matter

The only thing that does is I 

Leave me alone now

Until I need you next to me

Bittersweet 

Cast your hands upon mine

Undress in the shimmer of candlelight 

I’ve been searching for you 

Your skin glowing so elegantly 

I can’t tell where I stop and you begin

Don’t forget me when this time is up

Your knuckles start to sore

Your eyes in lust

We breathe so timely

This isn’t love 

You grabbed my chest

I held your waist

Our bodies in alignment

So in sync

When this moment ends 

Where does it leave us ? 

Post…

This night air hasn’t done enough

Maybe a stroll through the park 

Could clear my mind 

My psyche needs a release

A refresh from the weight

A restart from the hate

I bare on myself 

There’s time walking doesn’t do enough

There’s time this cigarette couldn’t cut it

I’m over the moments of rage

This battle inside me has met its end

When can I find my equilibrium?

Wherever my self love begins…

She//Her//Hers

She was clueless

She was dull

She lacked something

She smelled of cigarettes 

She wore black

She never spoke too loud

Her eyes were dark and gloomy

She whispered of horrors

She stole souls

She hung up skeletons neatly

She hammered down outburst

Her time was not important

She wandered with no aim

She picked up strangers

Drove for miles

Her shell broke…

She smelled of perfume

Her voice rose

Her hair went untamed

She smiled with sincerity

She broke free

She didn’t look back

She didn’t care for much

But she cared for everything 

Her red lipstick stained

Her hands grew fond of the beauty

She flipped the middle finger

She looked up at the stars

She let planets astonish her 

She wanted a new home

She found one

She was free

My family is miserable because of money : How the recession of 2008 broke my family (Part 1)

To start things off this will be a 3 part series. As the title suggest this will be about my immediate family. My mom and my father. And how our crippling financial status has created a void of love and happiness in my family. 

Ever since the recession of 2008 my family has taken one of the worst down spins ever. It was from this time I could remember the fights getting worst between everyone in the house . It took me almost 10 years to realize that this was due to our decline of financial stability . 

When it all started I was young and going through your teen years you believe that your parents are the worst people regardless. It took being in my 20s to realize how incredibly important financial stability is to a happy home . For example; Even til this day a missing cookie could result in fights so big that they become physical and violent . 

I can’t help but to think this is some of my fault . I had big dreams and aspirations to be a great student and lawyer. Even when my parents told me they would put me through college the best they could I didn’t think of the very harsh consequences it would have on the family structure .

It is important to know I was the youngest of all my brothers and sisters. They went and did their own things and I was the only one going to college. After I was to graduate from high school my parents were to move on and live together somewhere. This quickly crashed when they had to take in their grandchildren from my brother. This took  a family who was ready to move on to the next stages of their lives back to taking care of soon to be school children of 1 & 2 years of age. This mixed with some other things I will get into later, will be a deadly concoction of my family ultimately becoming the fighting, arguing, constant blaming, and constant brink of falling apart sort of family it is today… 
To be continued

Thank you for reading. This piece will be one of the hardest thing I have ever wrote before. It will be very personal and very straightforward about my family and how finances truly do determine happiness in ones life