By now I have been writing on this blog for a full year. I’m 22 now. Nothing has been more of a release than jotting down the ideas in my mind. This blog has taken so many forms. and has gone through so many changes. But since I’ve started this blog not only has the blog changed, but I have changed and so has the world around me.
Well for one, even though I am a political and social activist I have mainly kept this space exclusive for my artistic works. But I have to say it. Donald Trump is the president-elect. That’s so frightening to say but tis true. But that was just the tip to the very insane iceberg which was 2016.
I brought in the new year with friends I consider super close to me. Now I barely talk to them. When I started this blog I had a completely different job. Now I’m working a steady job I’ve been at for a year now. I was suppose to move to Florida in April but that fell through. I was just trying to figure out where my space was. I spent summer going from house to house after getting kicked out of my parents home. I worked 4 different side jobs while working one steady job. I fell in love with a girl I had a crush on since 10th grade and got my heart CRUSHED. I had many unsuccessful attempts at dating. Many missed connections. Many nights alone staring at my bedroom ceiling.
Even while falling deeper into debt. Having my phone cut off. Losing my precious Grandmother to cancer and absolutely spyraling back into a very deep depression I found time to stay connected to social movements and issues. I protested with Black Lives Matter, helped the Bernie Sanders campaign, and even (if so only briefly) for Standing Rock. These things breathe life into me and when my darkest days come I remember I’m fighting for a whole generation.
In this year it’s important for me to remember to stay positive and optimistic. I’ve let too much weigh me down and drag me to a place I never wanted to be. I will not let this happen. So here is a toast to the new year. A toast to a year full of positivity , great mental health, new experience and relationships, and to self love. I cannot wait to see where it takes me.
There is one thing in the world that many of us are scared of but don’t like to admit it. It’s being on our own. Being on our own is scary to us, just the thought of doing anything by yourself is enough to scare someone out their wits. But do we depend on others attention and time too much? Let’s take it to one extreme. It’s been said in many science studies that being alone and isolated does cause psychological affects in humans. But I think there is way to much mixture of being alone and then being lonely. I’ve been single for a while now and yes I am alone but I am not lonely. The difference is I know what I want and my own worth. Now I am not saying being single doesn’t suck at times, it does…a lot; but this isn’t what I see as being lonely.
After many failed first dates and harsh “hook up” sessions that usually end really awkward I found myself starting to just appreciate moving on my own. I learned to spend more time with myself and do more productive things. This took away that alone feeling. That lonely feeling as well. It was all avoided because I realized I depended on others way too much for my happiness and my day to day activities. Now let’s be real, we all want a little loving now and then but I see way too much complaining about sleeping alone, going out alone, and doing things just on your lonesome. I went to a movie by myself for the first time. I was absolutely petrified. When you think movie theaters you think cute first dates, a day out or night out with a few friends. So when someone told they have been , not only once, but a dozen times out to a movie by themselves I was more than flabbergasted. But this person talked me into it. When I finally sat in that theater with my popcorn (with extra butter because treat yoself) I laughed my ass off at The Wedding Ringer. I left that movie rejuvenated. There was something about being free enough to just watch a movie eat my buttery popcorn and laugh until I cried that was really liberating.
Now onto the real point of my post. (sorry for tricking you guys I love you so much!) I had a insane string of events that unfolded recently. It made me take this situation serious and do a lot of research on it. See…
Being on your own isn’t something to be afraid of. It happens. To all my people who are too afraid of being alone and are staying in unhealthy relationships please take that risk of cutting it off. You shouldn’t ever be too afraid of spending your time by yourself to the point you’ll risk your own well being. I’ve had a friend in that situation and I couldn’t take her taking the abuse just because and I quote “It’s better than being alone”. That really hurt my heart because maybe in her eyes she wasn’t this beauty queen but her spirit and her soul are precious and so beautiful. I am happy to say she finally found that courage and took the risk and now she’s stronger than ever and she is doing just fine. I don’t want to reveal too much about it because I do respect her privacy but this was something that really opened my eyes. If you know anyone in this situation don’t be afraid to be there for them. Give them the number below and reassure them that things will be okay.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline : 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Thank you guys for reading. I always wanted to write about this because I experienced it so close to me. I know this post shifted gears a bit but I really wanted to make a comment about it. Help someone if you know they are in this position. One phone call could change lives.
I know I’ve been gone a while but guess whose life has taken another turn? Mine. I will be moving to Florida soon (More details soon to come) but I’ve gone through a lot in the past month and I’m moving to live on my own! But one thing I have realized in the past month is your self worth and your past really go hand and hand. I faced some harsh realities lately like failed dates, being stood up, being kicked out of my house, being robbed, and also realizing my college life and friends just aren’t the same anymore.
Cycling through my thoughts; like I always do, I found there is a lot holding me back from my progression on growing up. These are my inner demons. Things I tried to hide away in the back of my mind and experiences I tried to shove away deep in my head. These things that go unresolved can come back and bite you right in the ass. Seriously it fucking blows. So one thing I did was face my inner demons and it was a hell of a ride. I had to learn to accept the past. Accept that some people just aren’t meant to be in my life and all the mistakes I made were just that, mistakes. It’s easy to get caught in a world of self pity. It is also easy to just stay stagnant and not try to change. Being the person I am I couldn’t be stagnant. I couldn’t let me life follow this same old cycle of being sad, depressed, and just moving with my life and taking the punches as they came. I searched for my happiness and that meant dealing with the harshness I had inside of me.
At this point in my life being a 21 year old full time working college student living in my hometown with my parents; there was no way in hell I could remain stagnant. My heart wouldn’t allow it. So to break these shackles I told myself to get up and do something that will make you happy. That accumulated into moving far away and starting a life on my own. At the end of this semester I’m moving away. To Florida with my best friend Kevin (I wrote about him in some old post if you’ve been keeping track) but before I left I had to take care of myself first. That is why loving myself is so important. I need to rely on myself a lot more now than ever and being in a shit mental state and being self hating won’t help at all. I am glad of all the progression I have been making lately and still have so much more room to grow.
Thank you for reading! I know I’ve been gone and I know I’m going to throw out so much excuses but I am trying to get a normal blogging schedule! I will be documenting a lot of my move and also I have some great stories and another sneak peak into my novel! Guys the love and support I get from this blog is so fucking amazing. Thank you so much. Go check out this song by the way. It’s been helping me get through these rough patches.ENJOY!
As we are 12 days into the new year (and one week past my 21st birthday) I have found that the “changes” I was making over the past 12 months haven’t been for myself but for the people around me. Somewhere in 2015 I lost sight on who I was and tried to make change to be someone who the people around me wanted me to be. This all came to a HUGE boiling point on my 21st birthday when I found myself around people I didn’t really like and people who knew nothing of the person I really was. I was tired of the facade.
After a huge mental breakdown, a few days of dizzying arguments and venting sessions with various characters, and a few hours of alone time to reflect I found that what I needed was a revival of some sort. But not of this whole new person but the person I was hiding from others and honestly trying to hide from myself. I love anime, Italian Renaissance Art, rock music, reading, video games, and days alone to write and reflect. I am not this super outgoing, fashion driven popular guy that I was portraying. Even though I have a lot of interest in fashion and all that; that stuff doesn’t define me. Yes I am well dressed, yes I watch fashion shows and read fashion blogs, yes I go out and drink, smoke, party, when I want to and I love being the life of the party. That image was hard to keep up. Especially with the new “friends” that I made. Those who knew me the most knew that I wasn’t being true to myself and read right through me. I’m glad they did. And when they didn’t show up on my 21st birthday that’s when I felt the loneliest. I struggled with depression a lot when I was young and the people who helped me out of it were nowhere to be found, because I pushed them away. I almost found myself slipping back and I had to realize that that was not my life anymore.
12 days into 2016 I’ve become a phoenix. Sometimes you have to burn out red hot to be reborn. That’s what I did. I am me. I can only be me and the people who come around should be able to respect that. Even into your 20s you can struggle with self identity it isn’t easy. So find who you are and grab onto what you love and what you are comfortable with. Don’t compromise it for others. Don’t try to be “that” person just because you think some people would be fun to hang out with sometimes. At the end of the day you will find yourself missing something…And that something is You. Thank you.
The last two weeks have been a whole revelation for me. I had things lined up to write about but I will put those on hold and see those topics through my eyes and not the person I was trying to be eyes. Also I have a important piece of work with a amazing young creative like myself about mental health. Hope I didn’t lose any of you guys. I am here and I will be here for a while. Thank you guys for coming on this journey with me.
I remember there were days where I’ve hated myself so much I’d hold a knife to my chest. In a dark bedroom sitting on the bed ready to put an end to what I hated most…myself. Those days are long passed me now and I am happy for that but learning to love yourself is a very high mountain to climb after you’ve hit rock bottom.
I don’t want to get into the specifics of my self loathing but to be clear and quick I hated my appearance and blamed that for my lack in social activities. I blamed my chubbiness and what I thought then, my ugliness, was what held me back. I felt alone. I barely had friends or anyone to hang out with. I started hating myself for being gross and ugly to the point of suicide contemplation. I just wanted a new life a new face a new body a new everything. The person I was, the one I looked at everyday in the mirror…I hated.
It took me years to learn to love myself. It wasn’t an easy journey either. I held onto relationships like life rafts. I sought approval from anyone with a brain and I just wanted to fit in. So much so I turned into someone I didn’t want to be. I faked being happy tried playing the role of the popular kid but found myself more alone than before. It took a while for me to finally get through this. There are days where I can find myself slipping back but i’m glad I found a rock to keep me grounded and my head clear. That rock is writing. Through writing I felt this weight lifting up. The weight of wanting to be accepted, the weight of trying to impress. It was gone. I wrote to be free and through this I found love for myself. I also found a great support system. People who loved me for who I was and supported me no matter what. They made me comfortable to be in my own skin and remind me of that every day.
Learning to accept yourself is so important especially now a days where images of what is “perfect” is being thrown around and in your face 24/7. Learning to love yourself and the person you are is just as important. I never knew what it was to be happy until I accepted who I was. Things cleared up a lot for me. I started to see that I wasn’t here to impress to people around me. I was here to like what I liked and be happy. Until you find that love and stop hating who you are you could never truly find happiness. Love yourself! Always and I promise you, even though times get hard, you will see you are tough and you can get through it.
Now at the ripe age of 21 I’ve learned to be who I am. Not only has it opened doors for me that I never thought possible but I find my days being filled with good vibes and a general amazing feeling. There are days when things can get dark again. But I’ve never been back to suicide contemplation because with loving myself came patience and understanding that where there are dark days there are many more light days ahead.
If you ever feel like you need someone to reach out to this website has a list of hotlines. There are people out there who want to listen and want to help. Take advantage. http://blog.justaskinnyboy.com/hotlines
I know you guys thought the blog was done. But it’s not. After careful consideration and a lot of feedback from close friends they told me to keep writing. They love what I write and how I write. So… I’m back. Now let me tell you a story.
There was a boy. Very naive and young. In school he chased girls and thought nothing of it. It didn’t matter the consequences. He loved the attention. Every sip of that sweet nectar of relevance he reveled in. Then he had his heart broken. His 18th birthday. The year before he went to college he felt lower than low. He couldn’t understand how the love of his life could leave him cold feet at the prom. That summer he reinvented himself. He set out a goal. In college when he went away he would be loved by all. This didn’t exactly work out. He made great friends but let his clouded vision from the heartbreak questions everyone’s real intentions. He made of mess of his first year of college. Second year rolls around. He goes in again with a new perspective. Be happy, be kind, be loving. He did just that and with that he gained a great circle of friends. Then he meet a girl. A girl from his past but was still somewhat new. He had great interest in her and always pondered what it would be like to actually talk to her. They never talked. Not much. Conversations always got cut short or they would lose time to busy life events. Then they reconnected. Formed a bond stronger than ever. This bond would spark a amazing friendship. But when he started to feel his heart being guided into her palms, she would seek someone else. He was forced to move on. But being the new person he was he didn’t leave her. He stayed. A great friend in need and whenever she needed help he was there. He watched her go from one bad relationship to the next. But always finding time for her. Then he asked her the question. “Why always them? Why not me?” She hesitated. He wasn’t great with timing but spoke his mind gloriously and articulated through every word how much he cared for her. He needed to reassure her that it would be fine. He still waits for that answer…
I’m listening to young artist and their takes on music a lot these days. No major music and no radio music. Rips from soundcloud mostly. I’ve found my head space more on the creative side lately. Finally pursuing my first real clothing product and conducting interviews and writing bits of my novel. All while starting a new job and killing it in my college classes. I like to keep myself busy. I have to admit I use to be lazy. Not much lazy as a procrastinator. Now I can’t seem to not be doing something. I don’t really know what is channeling this resurgence in energy and creativity but I like every second of it. I find myself writing a lot. It’s what I do best. I’ve dipped my hand back into drawing and I’m looking to take up painting soon as well. Whatever keeps my mind busy and doing exciting things is what I’m loving right now.
Part II of the Dating post is coming at 11:00 AM. I just did some touches to it. Plus I have some really fun really amazing interviews with some good people that I just decided to do. Things are shaping for a really good end of the year and fun start to the new year. Enjoy Enjoy Enjoi…
This post is going to be a little different. It’s going to be in 2 parts and going to contain some narrative. I hope you guys enjoy.
In my short amount of time and very broad experience of dating I always heard two cliches. “Opposites attract” and “We have so much in common, let’s go on a date”. With these two conflicting ideas of course no one knows how the hell to date anyone these days. It isn’t easy asking someone out so when you’re faced with one of these instances , either you two have a lot in common or you two are complete opposites but can still hold fun conversations, what do you do? Well for me, I tried both ways and honestly I can say it really depends on the person and how the relationship will go and how it grows.
For one instance, one Friday afternoon I found myself where I always find myself on a Friday. In the Barnes & Nobles, while going through the New Science Fiction section I noticed someone pick up the book I was scouting. It was “Trigger Warning” by my favorite author Neil Gaiman. I couldn’t help but to be little annoyed (it was the LAST COPY) but then I turned and she said “Neil Gaiman is amazing can’t believe they have this in physical copy”. Then I found myself saying “yeah, that’s exactly why I’m here.” She laughed, “Sorry were you looking for this?” she put it back on the shelf. “It’s fine I have it on my ipad anyway”. This exchange lead to us talking about Neil Gaiman (my idol and the greatest author of our modern time) for a few hours. We exchanged numbers.
Now me and this wonderful person talked everyday all day about things both funny and serious. We found a common ground and we had so much in common. I know you’re wondering. Well did it work out?
For a while it did(5 months). It was great. Conversations never felt short but arguments rarely happened. We rarely fought and kinda agreed on pretty much everything. The relationship grew stagnant and by no fault of either us we kinda grew tired of each other. Days were filled with insightful conversation but also many dead ends. One day we found ourselves just saying “yup,yeah, i totally agree” and that was where things stood. And I am conceited but dating yourself (which it what it felt like) gets boring after a while.
This is NOT to say when you have a lot in common that it won’t work but for us. It worked…too well. I know this may sound dumb but that is how we saw it. We felt we were way too young to be so comfortable and we swore a pact that in 20 years if we haven’t found anyone we would get married.
Thank you for reading part 1 of my 2 part story. I know I haven’t posted in a while but life is pretty crazy. I hope you guys enjoy the hell out of this because I want to write more stuff like this. Much Love.
P.S. I have found myself LOVING the new Cold Play song, Adventure of a Lifetime. It’s appropriately named. Vibe out to it! 🙂 Thank you guys.
There comes a time where that person you share intimate and close things with and most likely seen naked once or twice (either on accident or not) and can’t wait to hang around and do nothing with captures your eye…in a different light.
Your best friend can be your world and they can be everything you like in a person. But when does that turn into something more? Well… For me it happened backwards. I had a insane crush on a girl in high school. We talked (as friends) on and off for years. Finally in college we actually hung out and instead of me making moves I made a great friend .
Now I can say that our friendship is strong but does the admittance of feelings have to mess things up with friends? In many movies, tv shows, and books alike we find that you can’t ever stay friends with someone if you start to feel more or they start to feel more. Especially if the feelings aren’t mutual. But why exactly is that? Is the feeling of not being liked back, the feeling of being denied so strong that you have to cut out the friendship that you have made with that person? Does “taking things to the next level” (if the feelings are mutual) does that mean the level of friendship is now over and the bond you two have made doesn’t matter? I don’t think so. But this seems to be a a problem with many friends of all races, genders, sexual preferences, religions, etc. It’s one thing we all have in common.
So why do we feel that friendship and relationship can’t be separate entities? Why do we always want to sacrifices one for the other? These are questions we should all think about. Personally I know way too many great friendships gone south because of a crush (some of them which were mine and some that were friends of mine with their respected friend). Friendships don’t have to end where crushing and or relation begins.
I’ll try to end this post on a positive light. Maybe you find that you can keep your friendship and move on to bigger things. Try to keep that outlet open and don’t dismiss it. Friendships are really important and hey if you’re crushing on your friend tell them to check the song out below and Give You a Try!