By now I have been writing on this blog for a full year. I’m 22 now. Nothing has been more of a release than jotting down the ideas in my mind. This blog has taken so many forms. and has gone through so many changes. But since I’ve started this blog not only has the blog changed, but I have changed and so has the world around me.
Well for one, even though I am a political and social activist I have mainly kept this space exclusive for my artistic works. But I have to say it. Donald Trump is the president-elect. That’s so frightening to say but tis true. But that was just the tip to the very insane iceberg which was 2016.
I brought in the new year with friends I consider super close to me. Now I barely talk to them. When I started this blog I had a completely different job. Now I’m working a steady job I’ve been at for a year now. I was suppose to move to Florida in April but that fell through. I was just trying to figure out where my space was. I spent summer going from house to house after getting kicked out of my parents home. I worked 4 different side jobs while working one steady job. I fell in love with a girl I had a crush on since 10th grade and got my heart CRUSHED. I had many unsuccessful attempts at dating. Many missed connections. Many nights alone staring at my bedroom ceiling.
Even while falling deeper into debt. Having my phone cut off. Losing my precious Grandmother to cancer and absolutely spyraling back into a very deep depression I found time to stay connected to social movements and issues. I protested with Black Lives Matter, helped the Bernie Sanders campaign, and even (if so only briefly) for Standing Rock. These things breathe life into me and when my darkest days come I remember I’m fighting for a whole generation.
In this year it’s important for me to remember to stay positive and optimistic. I’ve let too much weigh me down and drag me to a place I never wanted to be. I will not let this happen. So here is a toast to the new year. A toast to a year full of positivity , great mental health, new experience and relationships, and to self love. I cannot wait to see where it takes me.
The day before my 22nd birthday I sit back and think. I’m 22 working a job I hate and barely attending college. It’s safe to say I’m not where I thought I would be . It’s sad but I think with all these roadblocks I will become a stronger person.
But one thing has bother me so. My personality. My self. Where has it gone? To tell the truth I don’t have friends. I have people I hang out with but it’s barely. I spend most of my nights home alone with no text messages. I’m not sought after. I don’t have anyone who actively check on me. I think it’s because I’ve distanced myself so much people think I want to be unbothered. Or is that people would rather just go on like I don’t exist.
I have so called “friends” that I’ve known since elementary. They don’t ever text me. They don’t ever give me a conversation that’s not about “getting back” and reconnecting. Every relationship I have forged is shallow. I have no friends. No person who randomly comes over. No person who shows up to my house unannounced no person actively caring about my wellbeing. I’m starting to believe it’s my fault. Did I become a person that is too hard to be open with? Did I lose the touch of what it meant to be a friend to someone as well? I try to make these things real but time and time again I’m met with the fate of being alone on a weekend night while my social media feeds blows up of bar crawls and party scenes.
I spent more time in my room than anywhere else my 21st year. Which is sad but that whole year I got to learn about myself. And in turn it’s that I don’t listen to people enough . So I wonder. What do you guys feel about me? If you’re reading this tell me exactly why we aren’t closer. Why we aren’t friends why aren’t we communicating more. I want to understand where the issues lie because I’m a open book and I’m ready to make changes to my life. I want this year to be drastically different than the one I spent last year.
To start things off this will be a 3 part series. As the title suggest this will be about my immediate family. My mom and my father. And how our crippling financial status has created a void of love and happiness in my family.
Ever since the recession of 2008 my family has taken one of the worst down spins ever. It was from this time I could remember the fights getting worst between everyone in the house . It took me almost 10 years to realize that this was due to our decline of financial stability .
When it all started I was young and going through your teen years you believe that your parents are the worst people regardless. It took being in my 20s to realize how incredibly important financial stability is to a happy home . For example; Even til this day a missing cookie could result in fights so big that they become physical and violent .
I can’t help but to think this is some of my fault . I had big dreams and aspirations to be a great student and lawyer. Even when my parents told me they would put me through college the best they could I didn’t think of the very harsh consequences it would have on the family structure .
It is important to know I was the youngest of all my brothers and sisters. They went and did their own things and I was the only one going to college. After I was to graduate from high school my parents were to move on and live together somewhere. This quickly crashed when they had to take in their grandchildren from my brother. This took a family who was ready to move on to the next stages of their lives back to taking care of soon to be school children of 1 & 2 years of age. This mixed with some other things I will get into later, will be a deadly concoction of my family ultimately becoming the fighting, arguing, constant blaming, and constant brink of falling apart sort of family it is today… To be continued.
Thank you for reading. This piece will be one of the hardest thing I have ever wrote before. It will be very personal and very straightforward about my family and how finances truly do determine happiness in ones life.