Team

One

Two 

Three

Many of partners

In my life 

Have left marks 

Fingerprints 

On a glass case

Lessons from trials

A chance at love 

A

Chance 

At

Love

To the girl 

With dark eyes

Who spoke softly 

But laughed like

She had a jolly gut

Who told me to love myself

Cause I was worth it 

To the girl 

who held my hand

In the rain while I walked you home

Who lined my life from almost the start

To the girl

Who put a hack in my ego

Humbled me down 

Told me not to worry so much

To the girl

Who left me 

Right before my big night 

Just to show me

Never take advantage 

These lessons never fell short

They never went forgotten

To the woman 

Who taught me so much

Thank you 

True

Being vulnerable is like

Going through a dark hallway 

Where the walk path is very narrow 

Wandering into the woods

At midnight

Getting lost 

In an abandoned building

Seeing yourself

While not being able to move

Being vulnerable 

To someone else

I dropped the armor

The play of masculinity

The charades of toughness

It shed

Much like a snake

Real with you

You made it easy

Every word

Held onto 

With the touch of a new parent

Coddled and cared for

You cracked the code

And like a opened

Air tight sealed 

Giant package

I found a release

A sigh of ease

You meant the world

And you meant the stars

You made me comfortable

With me

First 

When does a thing

Become something ?

All through my mind

I found you 

Never was interested 

Never ever cared 

So young

Didn’t really make sense 

But your presence 

Was sensational 

Warm glow 

Never knew it was real

But I knew it was you 

First 

Love

So

Sweet

Even though 2016 was a bad year, I will remain optimistic

 

Dear 2017

By now I have been writing on this blog for a full year. I’m 22 now. Nothing has been more of a release than jotting down the ideas in my mind. This blog has taken so many forms. and has gone through so many changes. But since I’ve started this blog not only has the blog changed, but I have changed and so has the world around me.

Well for one, even though I am a political and social activist I have mainly kept this space exclusive for my artistic works. But I have to say it. Donald Trump is the president-elect. That’s so frightening to say but tis true. But that was just the tip to the very insane iceberg which was 2016.

I brought in the new year with friends I consider super close to me. Now I barely talk to them. When I started this blog I had a completely different job. Now I’m working a steady job I’ve been at for a year now. I was suppose to move to Florida in April but that fell through. I was just trying to figure out where my space was. I spent summer going from house to house after getting kicked out of my parents home. I worked 4 different side jobs while working one steady job. I fell in love with a girl I had a crush on since 10th grade and got my heart CRUSHED. I had many unsuccessful attempts at dating. Many missed connections. Many nights alone staring at my bedroom ceiling.

Even while falling deeper into debt. Having my phone cut off. Losing my precious Grandmother to cancer and absolutely spyraling back into a very deep depression I found time to stay connected to social movements and issues. I protested with Black Lives Matter, helped the Bernie Sanders campaign, and even (if so only briefly) for Standing Rock. These things breathe life into me and when my darkest days come I remember I’m fighting for a whole generation.

In this year it’s important for me to remember to stay positive and optimistic. I’ve let too much weigh me down and drag me to a place I never wanted to be. I will not let this happen. So here is a toast to the new year. A toast to a year full of positivity , great mental health, new experience and relationships, and to self love. I cannot wait to see where it takes me. 

A reflection 

Dear January 4th

The day before my 22nd birthday I sit back and think. I’m 22 working a job I hate and barely attending college. It’s safe to say I’m not where I thought I would be . It’s sad but I think with all these roadblocks I will become a stronger person. 

But one thing has bother me so. My personality. My self. Where has it gone? To tell the truth I don’t have friends. I have people I hang out with but it’s barely. I spend most of my nights home alone with no text messages. I’m not sought after. I don’t have anyone who actively check on me. I think it’s because I’ve distanced myself so much people think I want to be unbothered. Or is that people would rather just go on like I don’t exist. 

I have so called “friends” that I’ve known since elementary. They don’t ever text me. They don’t ever give me a conversation that’s not about “getting back” and reconnecting. Every relationship I have forged is shallow. I have no friends. No person who randomly comes over. No person who shows up to my house unannounced no person actively caring about my wellbeing. I’m starting to believe it’s my fault. Did I become a person that is too hard to be open with? Did I lose the touch of what it meant to be a friend to someone as well? I try to make these things real but time and time again I’m met with the fate of being alone on a weekend night while my social media feeds blows up of bar crawls and party scenes.

I spent more time in my room than anywhere else my 21st year. Which is sad but that whole year I got to learn about myself. And in turn it’s that I don’t listen to people enough . So I wonder. What do you guys feel about me? If you’re reading this tell me exactly why we aren’t closer. Why we aren’t friends why aren’t we communicating more. I want to understand where the issues lie because I’m a open book and I’m ready to make changes to my life. I want this year to be drastically different than the one I spent last year.

Dear me,

I let myself become a victim 

I let my mental illness grab a hold

Turn me into a monster of a man

Friendships lost

Relationships shattered 

I needed a scapegoat 

But I played it too well

I looked to get better

But I only got worst

I had episodes, lashed out 

I drew distances that couldn’t be traveled

Created spaces that were untouchable

It’s easy to analyze someone 

But to look inside yourself is frightening

I wish I could turn things around

I lost some great friends

Even greater companions

Because I couldn’t help but push them out

Not let them understand 

Understand I needed help

Understand I wasn’t like everyone else

Understand that I appreciated them

This isn’t a cry for help

I’m getting that help now

This isn’t a look for forgiveness 

How could you forgive a monster?

I’ve come to terms with the people I’ve lost 

But maybe 

This could be a start to something new

To a healthy life 

Both mentally and physically 

I don’t need a reset button

Because past mistakes mature you

But I do need a new sheet

To begin this next story

The story which I am the author 

I take control

I want the power back 

It’s time to love myself

Lush 

When you talk 

I want to listen 

Focused on your words

Your speeches become songs

Your melody so rich

Your voice carries sweetness

Hypnotizing and interesting 

Your gaze sweeps up masses

To fall for you may be necessary 

How could one not 

How could one stop

Walk away from such perfection

Imperfect and beautiful

You couldn’t get more real

Perhaps we’ll actually connect

Until then I’ll never forget

Your gaze your melody

So tranquil so clean 

Falling on my ears 

Refreshed, serene 

Translucent 

Nothing makes you feel more lonely 

Than a day in Times Square 

Let’s be clear here 

The day was beautiful

Insightful just like you think 

There’s too many descriptions 

Poems you can find elsewhere 

Describing this beautiful 

Yet vast and mysterious city

My words could do it no justice

But as I found myself sitting 

In the heart of millions of people 

All with their own life 

All experiencing moments

You start to feel the loneliness 

It creeps in 

Ever so slowly 

Like a wave crashing the shore

With every passing face

It starts to wash over you

You find yourself 

Deep in the heart of the city 

With love booming

Yet that feeling of loneliness 

Grows bigger

Grows stronger

It consumes you

Maybe suburbia has cradled me

When I’m actually alone 

I can find solitude and comfort

In my own things my room my bed

But in this city

Filled with millions of souls

Searching for meaning 

You could be so alone

My family is miserable because of money : How the recession of 2008 broke my family (Part 1)

To start things off this will be a 3 part series. As the title suggest this will be about my immediate family. My mom and my father. And how our crippling financial status has created a void of love and happiness in my family. 

Ever since the recession of 2008 my family has taken one of the worst down spins ever. It was from this time I could remember the fights getting worst between everyone in the house . It took me almost 10 years to realize that this was due to our decline of financial stability . 

When it all started I was young and going through your teen years you believe that your parents are the worst people regardless. It took being in my 20s to realize how incredibly important financial stability is to a happy home . For example; Even til this day a missing cookie could result in fights so big that they become physical and violent . 

I can’t help but to think this is some of my fault . I had big dreams and aspirations to be a great student and lawyer. Even when my parents told me they would put me through college the best they could I didn’t think of the very harsh consequences it would have on the family structure .

It is important to know I was the youngest of all my brothers and sisters. They went and did their own things and I was the only one going to college. After I was to graduate from high school my parents were to move on and live together somewhere. This quickly crashed when they had to take in their grandchildren from my brother. This took  a family who was ready to move on to the next stages of their lives back to taking care of soon to be school children of 1 & 2 years of age. This mixed with some other things I will get into later, will be a deadly concoction of my family ultimately becoming the fighting, arguing, constant blaming, and constant brink of falling apart sort of family it is today… 
To be continued

Thank you for reading. This piece will be one of the hardest thing I have ever wrote before. It will be very personal and very straightforward about my family and how finances truly do determine happiness in ones life

The end

Of all of us 

There can only be one

In times of need

We seek guidance

In rare occasions 

This guidance 

can be found

In yourself

Through delicate words

Through new roads

Through new experiences

I’ve found 

comfort in my voice 

Comfort in my art

Comfort in my self 

This may be the start 

To something new