Team

One

Two 

Three

Many of partners

In my life 

Have left marks 

Fingerprints 

On a glass case

Lessons from trials

A chance at love 

A

Chance 

At

Love

To the girl 

With dark eyes

Who spoke softly 

But laughed like

She had a jolly gut

Who told me to love myself

Cause I was worth it 

To the girl 

who held my hand

In the rain while I walked you home

Who lined my life from almost the start

To the girl

Who put a hack in my ego

Humbled me down 

Told me not to worry so much

To the girl

Who left me 

Right before my big night 

Just to show me

Never take advantage 

These lessons never fell short

They never went forgotten

To the woman 

Who taught me so much

Thank you 

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True

Being vulnerable is like

Going through a dark hallway 

Where the walk path is very narrow 

Wandering into the woods

At midnight

Getting lost 

In an abandoned building

Seeing yourself

While not being able to move

Being vulnerable 

To someone else

I dropped the armor

The play of masculinity

The charades of toughness

It shed

Much like a snake

Real with you

You made it easy

Every word

Held onto 

With the touch of a new parent

Coddled and cared for

You cracked the code

And like a opened

Air tight sealed 

Giant package

I found a release

A sigh of ease

You meant the world

And you meant the stars

You made me comfortable

With me

First 

When does a thing

Become something ?

All through my mind

I found you 

Never was interested 

Never ever cared 

So young

Didn’t really make sense 

But your presence 

Was sensational 

Warm glow 

Never knew it was real

But I knew it was you 

First 

Love

So

Sweet

To the girl who I loved unconditionally…

You’re gone…

And I constantly keep your name on my mind 

I haven’t dared let is slip past my lips

There were days when I could call you

And you answered with no hesitation

Now you could read me like a book

And leave me on the shelf like you aren’t interested

The coldness has gotten harsh

Some time has passed 

Almost a year you’ve forgotten me

You moved on to someone else

Then you moved on again

Then you found someone new

But that fell apart too

I’ve watched you for years

As failed relationship after failed relationship

Hindered and scratched away at your heart

To no avail could I be the hero and save it

To no avail could I make you better 

I hope you read this and think back

To the times where you shared your secrets

Your struggle your strife 

And remember I never left your side 

I never left you hanging

I never left you 

But you left me

Maybe one day you’ll see 

That my heart was waiting for yours

To wake up and realize that Ive been here since the start

It’s cold in New York but this winter was harsh

Because you weren’t a part of mine

I love you … 

girl who doesn’t love me…

Even though 2016 was a bad year, I will remain optimistic

 

Dear 2017

By now I have been writing on this blog for a full year. I’m 22 now. Nothing has been more of a release than jotting down the ideas in my mind. This blog has taken so many forms. and has gone through so many changes. But since I’ve started this blog not only has the blog changed, but I have changed and so has the world around me.

Well for one, even though I am a political and social activist I have mainly kept this space exclusive for my artistic works. But I have to say it. Donald Trump is the president-elect. That’s so frightening to say but tis true. But that was just the tip to the very insane iceberg which was 2016.

I brought in the new year with friends I consider super close to me. Now I barely talk to them. When I started this blog I had a completely different job. Now I’m working a steady job I’ve been at for a year now. I was suppose to move to Florida in April but that fell through. I was just trying to figure out where my space was. I spent summer going from house to house after getting kicked out of my parents home. I worked 4 different side jobs while working one steady job. I fell in love with a girl I had a crush on since 10th grade and got my heart CRUSHED. I had many unsuccessful attempts at dating. Many missed connections. Many nights alone staring at my bedroom ceiling.

Even while falling deeper into debt. Having my phone cut off. Losing my precious Grandmother to cancer and absolutely spyraling back into a very deep depression I found time to stay connected to social movements and issues. I protested with Black Lives Matter, helped the Bernie Sanders campaign, and even (if so only briefly) for Standing Rock. These things breathe life into me and when my darkest days come I remember I’m fighting for a whole generation.

In this year it’s important for me to remember to stay positive and optimistic. I’ve let too much weigh me down and drag me to a place I never wanted to be. I will not let this happen. So here is a toast to the new year. A toast to a year full of positivity , great mental health, new experience and relationships, and to self love. I cannot wait to see where it takes me. 

A reflection 

Dear January 4th

The day before my 22nd birthday I sit back and think. I’m 22 working a job I hate and barely attending college. It’s safe to say I’m not where I thought I would be . It’s sad but I think with all these roadblocks I will become a stronger person. 

But one thing has bother me so. My personality. My self. Where has it gone? To tell the truth I don’t have friends. I have people I hang out with but it’s barely. I spend most of my nights home alone with no text messages. I’m not sought after. I don’t have anyone who actively check on me. I think it’s because I’ve distanced myself so much people think I want to be unbothered. Or is that people would rather just go on like I don’t exist. 

I have so called “friends” that I’ve known since elementary. They don’t ever text me. They don’t ever give me a conversation that’s not about “getting back” and reconnecting. Every relationship I have forged is shallow. I have no friends. No person who randomly comes over. No person who shows up to my house unannounced no person actively caring about my wellbeing. I’m starting to believe it’s my fault. Did I become a person that is too hard to be open with? Did I lose the touch of what it meant to be a friend to someone as well? I try to make these things real but time and time again I’m met with the fate of being alone on a weekend night while my social media feeds blows up of bar crawls and party scenes.

I spent more time in my room than anywhere else my 21st year. Which is sad but that whole year I got to learn about myself. And in turn it’s that I don’t listen to people enough . So I wonder. What do you guys feel about me? If you’re reading this tell me exactly why we aren’t closer. Why we aren’t friends why aren’t we communicating more. I want to understand where the issues lie because I’m a open book and I’m ready to make changes to my life. I want this year to be drastically different than the one I spent last year.

Lush 

When you talk 

I want to listen 

Focused on your words

Your speeches become songs

Your melody so rich

Your voice carries sweetness

Hypnotizing and interesting 

Your gaze sweeps up masses

To fall for you may be necessary 

How could one not 

How could one stop

Walk away from such perfection

Imperfect and beautiful

You couldn’t get more real

Perhaps we’ll actually connect

Until then I’ll never forget

Your gaze your melody

So tranquil so clean 

Falling on my ears 

Refreshed, serene 

Translucent 

Nothing makes you feel more lonely 

Than a day in Times Square 

Let’s be clear here 

The day was beautiful

Insightful just like you think 

There’s too many descriptions 

Poems you can find elsewhere 

Describing this beautiful 

Yet vast and mysterious city

My words could do it no justice

But as I found myself sitting 

In the heart of millions of people 

All with their own life 

All experiencing moments

You start to feel the loneliness 

It creeps in 

Ever so slowly 

Like a wave crashing the shore

With every passing face

It starts to wash over you

You find yourself 

Deep in the heart of the city 

With love booming

Yet that feeling of loneliness 

Grows bigger

Grows stronger

It consumes you

Maybe suburbia has cradled me

When I’m actually alone 

I can find solitude and comfort

In my own things my room my bed

But in this city

Filled with millions of souls

Searching for meaning 

You could be so alone

The mist

I’m blind… 

 I’ve been blind for a while

I don’t see your face

I don’t see your expressions

I don’t give a fuck about your feelings

All this anger isn’t at you

But you catch it with no consent

I’m drunk 

I’m stoned

My mind is hazy

I want your affection

But don’t want to hear you

There’s a space I’m in

A plane I’ve been abandoned 

This hazy mist of madness 

It’s tragic 

But it doesn’t matter

The only thing that does is I 

Leave me alone now

Until I need you next to me

Bittersweet 

Cast your hands upon mine

Undress in the shimmer of candlelight 

I’ve been searching for you 

Your skin glowing so elegantly 

I can’t tell where I stop and you begin

Don’t forget me when this time is up

Your knuckles start to sore

Your eyes in lust

We breathe so timely

This isn’t love 

You grabbed my chest

I held your waist

Our bodies in alignment

So in sync

When this moment ends 

Where does it leave us ?