Team

One

Two 

Three

Many of partners

In my life 

Have left marks 

Fingerprints 

On a glass case

Lessons from trials

A chance at love 

A

Chance 

At

Love

To the girl 

With dark eyes

Who spoke softly 

But laughed like

She had a jolly gut

Who told me to love myself

Cause I was worth it 

To the girl 

who held my hand

In the rain while I walked you home

Who lined my life from almost the start

To the girl

Who put a hack in my ego

Humbled me down 

Told me not to worry so much

To the girl

Who left me 

Right before my big night 

Just to show me

Never take advantage 

These lessons never fell short

They never went forgotten

To the woman 

Who taught me so much

Thank you 

Dust storm 

A calm night

An evening for a stroll

An embrace not so subtle

Like twine in winds 

Like leaves in fall

Swept away by the elegance 

Conjured up into a thought 

Pure eyes say less

Over-exaggeration

On my end how fine

What was once innocent

Seemed oh so dreadful 

Times spent 

Figuring out the motive

I blinked and woke

To a realization 

 Not so comfortable

Like water to a bee

Like salt to a slug 

A barrage of absent minded

Insecure baffle 

Turned heads down

One mistake

Too many

One mistake 

Undone 

There’s no coming back 

Not for everyone…

Come on in

We’ve been driving for about 3 hours 

It’s late

The streetlights have faded away

Almost 6 miles back

A long country road

With open gaps of darkness

Then the turns 

Swallowed up by overbearing trees

The gaslight blinks 

We need to find somewhere to stop 

I look over to Leah

She’s fast asleep 

Head leaning against the door

I pull up to a diner

The only place in miles 

The lights still on

We walk up to the front door

A woman standing behind the counter

Waves us in

Said she hasn’t seen people for quite some time

A television flickered

to what it seemed was local news on playback

The date said august 3rd 

We were in June 

I paid it no mind

Coffee and some toast please

She didn’t hesitate 

Oh baby try our special 

On me 

Leah was still in the bathroom

My migraine started to intensify

The tv now flickered 

August 3rd 1996

A fire has gone ablaze

Local diner burned down

I checked my phone 

But it was dead

Here you go baby enjoy

It was Belgium waffles with blueberry and whipped cream 

With a side of peach slices 

Leah still hasn’t returned

The woman watched me take a bite

Oh honey you must be hungry

We are preparing a special meal

Don’t fret

You bought us a great gift 

Now it’s time we pay our debt

The table started to rumble 

I jumped up quick

Leah where are you 

Don’t be silly boy she’s in the back

Being prepped for the main course

What have you done ?

Oh honey don’t worry

She will make a good main dish

With a side of onion and potatoes

Now sit boy !

My body obeyed

Something came over me

My migraine turned into a blinding pain

I blinked in and out of consciousness

What felt like 20 minutes turned into hours

As she fed me and fed me

Her voice rang

It’s on the house baby…

In those eyes

Step back

For a moment 

Everything is quiet

Eyes closed shut

Tight and snug

Your breath is steady

Your mind is spiraling

Your hair on your neck

Your hair on your arms

Stand at attention

Clutching your fist

Relaxing your finger tips

A warmth starts to drown you

Rose gold beams of light

Cascade on your skin

Open your eyes…

Your fantasy has taken form

In front of you

You reach out to touch

Your hands sturdy

Your legs aren’t 

You fall to the ground

Pain

Flows through the body

Like rivers and streams

Yours fingers

Gone numb

Your mouth

Fixed open

Your nightmare has manifested

Where your fantasy once stood

You close your eyes

Pleading for that

Warmth in rays

But those eyes

Saw your last breath

Yourself…

Even though 2016 was a bad year, I will remain optimistic

 

Dear 2017

By now I have been writing on this blog for a full year. I’m 22 now. Nothing has been more of a release than jotting down the ideas in my mind. This blog has taken so many forms. and has gone through so many changes. But since I’ve started this blog not only has the blog changed, but I have changed and so has the world around me.

Well for one, even though I am a political and social activist I have mainly kept this space exclusive for my artistic works. But I have to say it. Donald Trump is the president-elect. That’s so frightening to say but tis true. But that was just the tip to the very insane iceberg which was 2016.

I brought in the new year with friends I consider super close to me. Now I barely talk to them. When I started this blog I had a completely different job. Now I’m working a steady job I’ve been at for a year now. I was suppose to move to Florida in April but that fell through. I was just trying to figure out where my space was. I spent summer going from house to house after getting kicked out of my parents home. I worked 4 different side jobs while working one steady job. I fell in love with a girl I had a crush on since 10th grade and got my heart CRUSHED. I had many unsuccessful attempts at dating. Many missed connections. Many nights alone staring at my bedroom ceiling.

Even while falling deeper into debt. Having my phone cut off. Losing my precious Grandmother to cancer and absolutely spyraling back into a very deep depression I found time to stay connected to social movements and issues. I protested with Black Lives Matter, helped the Bernie Sanders campaign, and even (if so only briefly) for Standing Rock. These things breathe life into me and when my darkest days come I remember I’m fighting for a whole generation.

In this year it’s important for me to remember to stay positive and optimistic. I’ve let too much weigh me down and drag me to a place I never wanted to be. I will not let this happen. So here is a toast to the new year. A toast to a year full of positivity , great mental health, new experience and relationships, and to self love. I cannot wait to see where it takes me. 

A reflection 

Dear January 4th

The day before my 22nd birthday I sit back and think. I’m 22 working a job I hate and barely attending college. It’s safe to say I’m not where I thought I would be . It’s sad but I think with all these roadblocks I will become a stronger person. 

But one thing has bother me so. My personality. My self. Where has it gone? To tell the truth I don’t have friends. I have people I hang out with but it’s barely. I spend most of my nights home alone with no text messages. I’m not sought after. I don’t have anyone who actively check on me. I think it’s because I’ve distanced myself so much people think I want to be unbothered. Or is that people would rather just go on like I don’t exist. 

I have so called “friends” that I’ve known since elementary. They don’t ever text me. They don’t ever give me a conversation that’s not about “getting back” and reconnecting. Every relationship I have forged is shallow. I have no friends. No person who randomly comes over. No person who shows up to my house unannounced no person actively caring about my wellbeing. I’m starting to believe it’s my fault. Did I become a person that is too hard to be open with? Did I lose the touch of what it meant to be a friend to someone as well? I try to make these things real but time and time again I’m met with the fate of being alone on a weekend night while my social media feeds blows up of bar crawls and party scenes.

I spent more time in my room than anywhere else my 21st year. Which is sad but that whole year I got to learn about myself. And in turn it’s that I don’t listen to people enough . So I wonder. What do you guys feel about me? If you’re reading this tell me exactly why we aren’t closer. Why we aren’t friends why aren’t we communicating more. I want to understand where the issues lie because I’m a open book and I’m ready to make changes to my life. I want this year to be drastically different than the one I spent last year.

Dear me,

I let myself become a victim 

I let my mental illness grab a hold

Turn me into a monster of a man

Friendships lost

Relationships shattered 

I needed a scapegoat 

But I played it too well

I looked to get better

But I only got worst

I had episodes, lashed out 

I drew distances that couldn’t be traveled

Created spaces that were untouchable

It’s easy to analyze someone 

But to look inside yourself is frightening

I wish I could turn things around

I lost some great friends

Even greater companions

Because I couldn’t help but push them out

Not let them understand 

Understand I needed help

Understand I wasn’t like everyone else

Understand that I appreciated them

This isn’t a cry for help

I’m getting that help now

This isn’t a look for forgiveness 

How could you forgive a monster?

I’ve come to terms with the people I’ve lost 

But maybe 

This could be a start to something new

To a healthy life 

Both mentally and physically 

I don’t need a reset button

Because past mistakes mature you

But I do need a new sheet

To begin this next story

The story which I am the author 

I take control

I want the power back 

It’s time to love myself

Translucent 

Nothing makes you feel more lonely 

Than a day in Times Square 

Let’s be clear here 

The day was beautiful

Insightful just like you think 

There’s too many descriptions 

Poems you can find elsewhere 

Describing this beautiful 

Yet vast and mysterious city

My words could do it no justice

But as I found myself sitting 

In the heart of millions of people 

All with their own life 

All experiencing moments

You start to feel the loneliness 

It creeps in 

Ever so slowly 

Like a wave crashing the shore

With every passing face

It starts to wash over you

You find yourself 

Deep in the heart of the city 

With love booming

Yet that feeling of loneliness 

Grows bigger

Grows stronger

It consumes you

Maybe suburbia has cradled me

When I’m actually alone 

I can find solitude and comfort

In my own things my room my bed

But in this city

Filled with millions of souls

Searching for meaning 

You could be so alone

The mist

I’m blind… 

 I’ve been blind for a while

I don’t see your face

I don’t see your expressions

I don’t give a fuck about your feelings

All this anger isn’t at you

But you catch it with no consent

I’m drunk 

I’m stoned

My mind is hazy

I want your affection

But don’t want to hear you

There’s a space I’m in

A plane I’ve been abandoned 

This hazy mist of madness 

It’s tragic 

But it doesn’t matter

The only thing that does is I 

Leave me alone now

Until I need you next to me

The end

Of all of us 

There can only be one

In times of need

We seek guidance

In rare occasions 

This guidance 

can be found

In yourself

Through delicate words

Through new roads

Through new experiences

I’ve found 

comfort in my voice 

Comfort in my art

Comfort in my self 

This may be the start 

To something new