As we are 12 days into the new year (and one week past my 21st birthday) I have found that the “changes” I was making over the past 12 months haven’t been for myself but for the people around me. Somewhere in 2015 I lost sight on who I was and tried to make change to be someone who the people around me wanted me to be. This all came to a HUGE boiling point on my 21st birthday when I found myself around people I didn’t really like and people who knew nothing of the person I really was. I was tired of the facade.
After a huge mental breakdown, a few days of dizzying arguments and venting sessions with various characters, and a few hours of alone time to reflect I found that what I needed was a revival of some sort. But not of this whole new person but the person I was hiding from others and honestly trying to hide from myself. I love anime, Italian Renaissance Art, rock music, reading, video games, and days alone to write and reflect. I am not this super outgoing, fashion driven popular guy that I was portraying. Even though I have a lot of interest in fashion and all that; that stuff doesn’t define me. Yes I am well dressed, yes I watch fashion shows and read fashion blogs, yes I go out and drink, smoke, party, when I want to and I love being the life of the party. That image was hard to keep up. Especially with the new “friends” that I made. Those who knew me the most knew that I wasn’t being true to myself and read right through me. I’m glad they did. And when they didn’t show up on my 21st birthday that’s when I felt the loneliest. I struggled with depression a lot when I was young and the people who helped me out of it were nowhere to be found, because I pushed them away. I almost found myself slipping back and I had to realize that that was not my life anymore.
12 days into 2016 I’ve become a phoenix. Sometimes you have to burn out red hot to be reborn. That’s what I did. I am me. I can only be me and the people who come around should be able to respect that. Even into your 20s you can struggle with self identity it isn’t easy. So find who you are and grab onto what you love and what you are comfortable with. Don’t compromise it for others. Don’t try to be “that” person just because you think some people would be fun to hang out with sometimes. At the end of the day you will find yourself missing something…And that something is You. Thank you.
The last two weeks have been a whole revelation for me. I had things lined up to write about but I will put those on hold and see those topics through my eyes and not the person I was trying to be eyes. Also I have a important piece of work with a amazing young creative like myself about mental health. Hope I didn’t lose any of you guys. I am here and I will be here for a while. Thank you guys for coming on this journey with me.