I remember there were days where I’ve hated myself so much I’d hold a knife to my chest. In a dark bedroom sitting on the bed ready to put an end to what I hated most…myself. Those days are long passed me now and I am happy for that but learning to love yourself is a very high mountain to climb after you’ve hit rock bottom.
I don’t want to get into the specifics of my self loathing but to be clear and quick I hated my appearance and blamed that for my lack in social activities. I blamed my chubbiness and what I thought then, my ugliness, was what held me back. I felt alone. I barely had friends or anyone to hang out with. I started hating myself for being gross and ugly to the point of suicide contemplation. I just wanted a new life a new face a new body a new everything. The person I was, the one I looked at everyday in the mirror…I hated.
It took me years to learn to love myself. It wasn’t an easy journey either. I held onto relationships like life rafts. I sought approval from anyone with a brain and I just wanted to fit in. So much so I turned into someone I didn’t want to be. I faked being happy tried playing the role of the popular kid but found myself more alone than before. It took a while for me to finally get through this. There are days where I can find myself slipping back but i’m glad I found a rock to keep me grounded and my head clear. That rock is writing. Through writing I felt this weight lifting up. The weight of wanting to be accepted, the weight of trying to impress. It was gone. I wrote to be free and through this I found love for myself. I also found a great support system. People who loved me for who I was and supported me no matter what. They made me comfortable to be in my own skin and remind me of that every day.
Learning to accept yourself is so important especially now a days where images of what is “perfect” is being thrown around and in your face 24/7. Learning to love yourself and the person you are is just as important. I never knew what it was to be happy until I accepted who I was. Things cleared up a lot for me. I started to see that I wasn’t here to impress to people around me. I was here to like what I liked and be happy. Until you find that love and stop hating who you are you could never truly find happiness. Love yourself! Always and I promise you, even though times get hard, you will see you are tough and you can get through it.
Now at the ripe age of 21 I’ve learned to be who I am. Not only has it opened doors for me that I never thought possible but I find my days being filled with good vibes and a general amazing feeling. There are days when things can get dark again. But I’ve never been back to suicide contemplation because with loving myself came patience and understanding that where there are dark days there are many more light days ahead.
If you ever feel like you need someone to reach out to this website has a list of hotlines. There are people out there who want to listen and want to help. Take advantage. http://blog.justaskinnyboy.com/hotlines
Here is a list of some general hotlines:
Depression Hotline – 1-630-482-9696
LifeLine – 1-800-273-8255
Suicide Hotline -1-800-784-8433
Grief Support – 1-650-321-5272
Runaway – 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000